Sawed off my legs, sawed off my legs, sawed off my legs, daddy sawed of my legs sawed..off...my...legs sawed of my legs....daaaady. I'll never forget When I was 6-7 years old. Oh, daddy why did you saw off my legs? Said I needed to learn a lesson, told me it was good for me to learn a lesson now - that I would carry throughout my life. That's why he had to saw my legs off. That's what he said... But, oh my did it ever hurt. It took a long,long time. That saw was all worn down. Seemed like it took about ..43 minutes. Oh daddy, Why did you saw my legs off?

I'm used to it now gettin' around in my wheelchair I go pretty much anywhere I wanna go people are pretty understanding At first it was tough I was expected to play kickball in the school yard with kids, but with no legs it was tough It was a long tedious process, but life can be like that, but.... . everything seemed alright.

When I was 9... My pet pony kicked me in the head left a big dent in my left temple, Made it hard for me to see. I wear thick, thick glasses, and I can't think too good, but that didn't bother me too much. That's just the way things go sometimes... You have your father saw your legs off, get kicked by a pony. Things like that can happen sometimes.

So later on when I was about 12 years old. When nothing bad happened to me, at age 12. It was a little bit surprising, But that's okay. When I turned 13 I had to sign up for the army. The War was on, You'll remember that wont cha? They provided me a musket, a slingshot, and a bag full of McDonald's french fries, and sent me off to the front lines, and said "You get up there and you kill those commies!" I tried throwing the french fries at them, that didn't work too good. Nobody showed me how to use the musket. so i just kinda sat that on the ground behind me. Picked up a handful of rocks, and that slingshot. Then I killed 13,14...men. I was a damn good shot, couldn't think too good, couldn't walk didn't have no legs, and i was a crack-shot with that sling-shot (Unintelligible screaming) that's right, that's right.

The war went on for...63 years. Can't tell you how many men I killed with that sling-shot and handful of rocks. It's hard for me to think about that now. But eventually the war did end, and i was sent home to my loving wife, and six children i had never even met before.

The brain damage I had incurred when kicked in the head by the pony As a youngster proved useful later on in life. A team of doctors decided they would like to study my brain damage so they put me through a series of tests they gave me all these little blocks and told me to put them in the holes as best I could, and they were fascinated when instead of putting blocks into holes I picked my nose with a zebra. Now where the hell that zebra came from I never will know, but those doctors sure seem to like it they gave me a cookie and a big glass of orange juice so I figured I musta been doing something right.

Well all about that time, I got called up from the minor leagues to the major league baseball club out there in Rochester. I was on my way. Signed a big fat contract, $67 a season they gave me, but wouldn't you know it first time up at bat.. I grounded into a double play. Alan Bannister just looked at me and said "You goddamn dumb s***!".... "You ruined our rally now we're going to lose this game!" Well I turned to him - spit out some tobacco juice, then I turned to him then I turned way and picked my noise for a little while, and I turned back to him. And I looked at Allen "Mister I've got finest coin collection you've ever seen." That quieted him down alright me and Alan after that.. we became good friends, and when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame he asked me to be there to say a little speech Well I didn't know what to say I never wasn't any good at making speeches so I just stood up there at the podium and threw up all over the crowd. Everybody cheered - I guess me being a former major league baseball player, and a war hero and of course having no legs guess they musta figured... "Well that's about what you can expect from a guy like this just throw up all over everybody." So they cheered me. I took a bow and I left out of there doctor over in the corner of the crowd smiled at me and said.. "Son, your really going places!" I had no idea what that God damn fool was talking about. I wasn't going nowhere I sat down on the sidewalk and I didn't move for days but then I heard about a barn raising over In the next County. Got my ass up off that sidewalk stole a bicycle and I rode over to that barn raising and I helped out as much as a man in my condition could, and was served a fine picnic lunch. After the barn was finished Jesus Christ himself came down that day looked upon the barn and said "This is Good, You done good!" He wasn't just talking to me, he was talking to everybody, but it still made me feel warm inside.

After a shit, shower, and shave I laid down in the sun right there in the grass. Looked up towards the heavens and I did pronounce these words. "Oh Lord if there's any justice in the world and i know there ain't. I'd have a pair of walking legs right now." I looked down where my stumps were supposed to be. and there sprouted two brand new legs. Thirteen inches in length. I walked around on them stumpy legs like I was king of the roust. All the other people at the barn raising looked at me and said "Look at those God Damn Stumpy Legs!" and I said "Indeed"..."Just look at 'em... Ain't they beautiful?"

We whipped up a quick game of kick ball. I kicked that ball like I'd never kicked nothing before in my life. Course I hadn't kicked nothing since my dad sawed my legs off. I started kicking everything after that. If I was gonna be given brand new legs by the lord I damn well was gonna use them too. I kicked shrubs, I kicked cats, I kicked the sides of buildings,kicked trees. I go round kicking cans, I'd go round kickin' any kind of round shaped things, I'd kick ovals, I'd kick entire states. I started kickin' moons and planets after that. I kicked the sun, kicked rocks. kicked a pair of glasses across the sidewalk kicked my neighbor in the head, kicked the roof of a house, and the shingles came flyin' off I'll kick anything I don't care just try me see if i wont kick something I'll kick it you better believe it.

But right now dad says I gotta take a nap and if I don't wanna get these I guess I better go Its alright I'm getting a little sleepy anyhow