Sawed Off Legs

by ACUPONUTS of FOOD

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about

The story of a former Major League Baseball playing War Hero with stumpy legs.

credits

released July 23, 2017

Fortunata- Voice
Nik O. Nut- Guitar Noises
Papa D. Nut- Bass abuse, drums
Yuri Nut - Drums

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Seeing Eye Frog La Crosse, Wisconsin

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Track Name: Sawed Off Legs
Sawed off my legs, sawed off my legs,
sawed off my legs, daddy
sawed of my legs
sawed..off...my...legs
sawed of my legs....daaaady.


I'll never forget
When I was 6-7 years old.
Oh, daddy why did you saw off my legs?

Said I needed to learn a lesson,
told me it was good for me
to learn a lesson now -
that I would carry throughout my life.

That's why he had to saw my legs off.
That's what he said...

But, oh my did it ever hurt.
It took a long,long time.
That saw was all worn down.
Seemed like it took about ..43 minutes.

Oh daddy, Why did you saw my legs off?
Track Name: Everything Seemed Alright
I'm used to it now
gettin' around in my wheelchair
I go pretty much anywhere I wanna go
people are pretty understanding

At first it was tough
I was expected to play kickball in the school yard
with kids, but with no legs it was tough

It was a long tedious process,
but life can be like that,
but.... .
everything seemed alright.
Track Name: Kicked by a Pony
When I was 9 ,
my pet pony kicked me in the head
left a big dent in my left temple.
Made it hard for me to see,

I wear thick thick glasses, and I can't think too good,
but that didn't bother me too much that's just the way things go sometimes... You have your father saw your legs off get kicked by a pony things like that can happen sometimes.
Track Name: A Musket, a Slingshot, and a bag full of McDonald's French Fries
So later on when I was
about 12 years old.

When nothing bad happened to me, at age 12.
It was a little bit surprising.

But that's okay.
When I turned 13 I had to
sign up for the army.
The War was on,
You'll remember that wont cha?

They provided me a musket, a slingshot,
and a bag full of McDonald's french fries,
and sent me off to the front lines, and said
"You get up there and you kill those commies!"

I tried throwing the french fries at them,
that didn't work too good.
Nobody showed me how
to use the musket.
so i just kinda sat that on the ground behind me.

Picked up a handful of rocks and that slingshot.
Then I killed 13,14...men.

I was a damn
good shot,
couldn't think too good,
couldn't walk
didn't have no legs,
and i was a crack-shot
with that sling-shot
(Unintelligible screaming)
that's right, that's right.
Track Name: Handful of Rocks
The war went on for...63 years.

Cant tell you
how many men
I killed with that
sling-shot and handful of rocks.

Its hard for me
to think about that now.
But eventually the war did end,
and i was sent home to my loving wife,
and six children i had never even met before.
Track Name: Zebra nose pick
The brain damage I had incurred
when kicked in the head by the pony
As a youngster proved useful later on in life.
A team of doctors decided
they would like to study my brain damage
so they put me through a series of tests
they gave me all these little blocks and told me
to put them in the holes as best I could, and they were fascinated when instead of putting
blocks into holes
I picked my nose with a zebra
now where the hell that
zebra came from I never will know,
but those doctors sure seem to like it
they gave me a cookie
and a big glass of orange juice
so I figured I musta been doing something right.
Track Name: Ain't Goin' Nowhere
Well all about that time,
I got called up from the
minor leagues to the major league baseball club
out there in Rochester.

I was on my way.
Signed a big fat contract,
$67 a season they gave me,
but wouldn't you know it
first time up at bat..
I grounded into a double play.

Alan Bannister just looked at me and said
"You goddamn dumb s***!"....
"You ruined our rally now we're going to lose this game!"

Well I turned to him - spit out some tobacco juice,
then I turned to him then I
turned way and picked my noise for a little while,
and I turned back to him.

And I looked at Allen
"Mister I've got finest coin collection you've ever seen."
That quieted him down alright
me and Alan after that..
we became good friends,
and when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame
he asked me to be there to say a little speech
Well I didn't know what to say
I never wasn't any good at making speeches
so I just stood up there at the podium and
threw up all over the crowd.
Everybody cheered
I guess me being
a former major league baseball player
and a war hero and of course having no legs
guess they musta figured...
"Well that's about what you can expect from a guy like this just throw up all over everybody."
So they cheered me
I took a bow and I left out of there
doctor over in the corner of the crowd
smiled at me and said
"Son, your really going places!"
I had no idea what that God damn fool
was talking about
I wasn't going nowhere
I sat down on the sidewalk
and I didn't move for days
but then I heard
about a barn raising over
In the next County.
Got my ass up off that sidewalk
stole a bicycle and
I rode over to that barn raising
and I helped out as much as
a man in my condition could,
and was served a fine picnic lunch.
After the barn was finished
Jesus Christ himself came down that day
looked upon the barn and said
"This is Good, You done good!"
He wasn't just talking to me,
he was talking to everybody,
but it still made me feel warm inside.
Track Name: Stumpy Legs
After a shit, shower, and shave
I laid down in the sun right there in the grass.
Looked up towards the heavens and
I did pronounce these words.

"Oh Lord if there's any justice in the world
and i know there ain't.
I'd have a pair of walking legs right now."

I looked down where my stumps
were supposed to be.
and there sprouted
two brand new legs.
Thirteen inches in length.
I walked around on them
stumpy legs like I
was king of the roust.
All the other people
at the barn raising
looked at me and said

"Look at those God Damn Stumpy Legs!"
and I said "Indeed"..."Just look at 'em... Ain't they beautiful?"
Track Name: Go-Round Kickin'
We whipped up a quick game
of kick ball.
I kicked that ball like id never kicked nothing before in my life.
Course I hadnt kicked nothing
since my dad sawed my legs off.
I started kicking everything after that.
If I was gonna be given
brand new legs by the lord
i damn well was gonna use them too.
I kicked shrubs, I kicked cats, I kicked the sides of buildings,
,kick trees.
I go round kicking cans, id go round kickin any kind of round shaped things, id kick ovals, id kick entire states.
i started kickin moons and planets after that.
i kicked the sun, kicked rocks.
kicked a pair of glasses across the sidewalk
kicked my neighbor in the head,
kicked the roof of a house,
and the shingles came flyin off
ill kick anything
i dont care
just try me
see if i wont kick something
ill kick it you better believe it.
Track Name: Gotta Take A Nap
But right now
dad says i gotta take a nap
and if i don't wanna get these
I guess I better go
Its alright
im getting a little sleepy anyhow